Before I say anything
more, let me start by saying I’m not here to judge you—your decisions are your
own to make. Love isn’t black and white, and often we end up falling for people
who aren’t available. If you do find yourself in the situation where you’re in
love with a married man, it’s important to know what you’re signing up for, and
the truth about what lies ahead of you if this relationship continues.
All relationships are challenging at the best of
times, but being the other woman can bring a whole new set of problems with it.
Here’s what you need to know:
He will not leave his wife. Did you know that less than five percent of men
actually leave their wives for the woman they’re having an affair with? Even if
he tells you he’s desperately unhappy, he doesn’t love her, or he’s going to
leave—chances are he won’t.
This might be because of the financial
implications related to divorce, his religious beliefs, his desire to maintain
his family man image, or because he still actually cares for his wife—even
though he might protest against this.
So it doesn’t matter how many times he says he’s
going to leave—you need to know that it’s just words. Actions speak far louder.
If he wanted to be with you, he would be. At the end of the day, people will go to the end
of the earth for the things they truly want. If a man wanted to be with you,
and share the rest of his life with you, he would do it. If he truly loved you,
it wouldn’t matter what the costs or implications were.
However, if he’s content just sleeping with you
on the side, while staying married to his wife, it’s because you’re not so
important to him, that he’s willing to change his life for you. If you decided
to leave him, he would simply go on or replace you with someone else.
You might not want to hear this, but put
yourself in his shoes for a moment. Imagine you were married to a man you
didn’t really love anymore, and you weren’t having sex with. Then you meet an
amazing new man who you share a beautiful connection with. Would you stay with
the man you’re married to, or would you leave so you could be with the man you
really wanted?
It’s as simple as that. A man who really wants
you will want you all to himself. If he values you, he’ll know that other men
are also interested in you, and he’ll make sure he makes you his as soon as he
can, before someone else swoops in.
Cheaters are going to cheat. Did you know this man was married when you
started seeing him? Was he honest with you, or did he lie, and you found out
the truth later on?
If he lied to you, how can you ever trust him?
And more importantly, if he’s currently cheating on his wife with you—what
makes you think he won’t do that again to you? If he cheats with you, he will
likely cheat on you. So does it even matter if he leaves his wife for you? Can
you ever trust him?
If he’s not being faithful, you don’t need to
be. Many women who are
having affairs with married men make the mistake of being faithful to them,
while the men are enjoying having their cake and eating it.
If he’s keeping you on the side for months or
years, then take that as your cue to enjoy dating other men at the same time.
This isn’t cheating, because he’s married, so you can do as you please. This
will also help you stop becoming too attached to this one man, who might never
be fully available to you.
Set a definitive time limit for your affair. How long are you prepared to be the other woman
for? Get clear on a time frame for when you expect him to leave his current wife
and be with you—and bring this up with him early on in your relationship.
If he’s not giving you a clear time frame, or he
does but then doesn’t deliver on it—it’s because he has no intention of truly
leaving his wife, and is just stringing you along for as long as he can.
Pay attention to how he talks about his wife. Is he respectful when speaking about her, and
honest about why he no longer wants to be with her? If so, then it’s a sign he
respects women, and is probably being honest with you.
But if he places all the blame on her, and
speaks disrespectfully about her, it might be a sign that he doesn’t value
women, and he’s also unable to be honest with himself.
Imagine if you were in his wife’s shoes
someday—would you like to be spoken about in that way?
Men cheat for sex. When women cheat, it can be because we’re
craving an emotional connection; but when men cheat, it’s often purely for sex.
So even though you feel a strong connection to this man, it doesn’t mean that
feeling is reciprocated on his part. He might just be using you for his own
sexual pleasure.
And no matter how many times he tells you he’s
no longer having sex with his wife—do not believe him for a moment. He is still
sleeping with his wife, and he is lying to you about it.
Have a life outside of him. It’s vital you maintain a solid group of friends
outside of this relationship. Don’t drop plans to be with him when he calls,
and keep on dating to keep your self-esteem and confidence up.
The future of this relationship is rocky and uncertain,
so having a great life outside of this is going to be really healthy and
soothing for you during the highs and the lows.
Are you happy? If you’re in the middle of an affair right now,
it’s important to check in with yourself. Are you happy? Is this what you want
from your life?
Once you figure out the kind of life you do
want, you’ll be able to figure out the kind of man you want. You can then see
if the man you’re currently with measures up when it comes to his morals and
character. If he does, great. If he doesn’t—you know what to do.
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